Stay at home moms need inspiration and encouragement. I have gone through a long bout of depression. Probably a good 6 months. I am blessed to have a handful of people in my life that have listened and helped me so much. You know who you are---thank you.
With my husband out of work for most of the last 18 months, losing my home, living with my parents...I feel like I lost so much and have grieved a great deal. Most of all, I grieve the loss of fully enjoying my son's babyhood. His first year was so full of fear and uncertainty. Mentally, I checked out of embracing my old home once I knew we were in the process of losing it. I didn't want to stay attached. Our new home is not our own. This has been harder for me to bear than almost anything, and this was unexpected. It is nobody's fault...when you share a home, it isn't only yours. Plain and simple.
I am thankful for this house though. For very little rent, we have a house that's big enough to shelter all of us and our diverse group of animals. We have a large backyard that is safe, a place for Connor to run and play. We live in a very safe town and neighborhood, near so many fun things to do. I know that overall, this has been a positive move for Connor.
Being at home all day, I want to do so many things. But many things I cannot because this isn't my house. I've just been plodding along, doing what I have to do and enduring. I look for reasons to escape the house often (with Connor). It makes the days we are forced to be home all day a huge challenge. It grieves me to admit that I am not happy at home.
But I want home to be a happy place for my family. So I must change this. How do you embrace homemaking in a home that is not your own?
At this point, I finally feel hopeful because it looks like we may not be here that much longer. At most, another 5 months. I can do this.
My husband has a temp job now and other prospects on the horizon. I am holding onto the real hope we can afford our own little place again soon!
For now, I am making new goals and mini-pledges. The areas in life I tend to focus on a lot are food and fun. I like to make sure that Connor gets to do fun, stimulating activities. New experiences. I like to plan family outings that we all enjoy together. I like to cook, but it's been hard to stay organized in that area when we share kitchen space with other family members on a totally different schedule. Often, many of my homemaking activities are mocked and that bothers me. I'm a people pleaser and it kills me to have so many things I do made fun of, whether it's a crazy new dinner recipe or implementing a better bedtime routine for Connor. I tend to stick to my guns, but arguing and tension every day makes me want to run away.
This time, I plan to stick to my guns in a new way. I am changing my motivation from the goal to just do my own thing stubbornly to doing what is good and right for my little family. I plan to be as calm and serene as possible throughout my day. I plan to put up visual motivators and reminders to keep me going.
If I sound silly, well I am silly. I am silly for allowing anyone or anything rob me of the joy of homemaking. It is a privilege and a huge responsibility to be a parent. My husband deserves the best every day and so does my son. I have to be the example of what I long for my son to embrace in his life: trust in the Lord, joy, peace, love for others, enjoying the simple things, being optimistic, having faith, working hard.
Last week, I began a simple mini-pledge taken from one of the blogs I really enjoy: 100 Days of Real Food. I will elaborate more on this in a later post. But for now, we have started by adding fruits and vegetables for every meal. It is a little shocking once you start keeping track; you think you are eating healthy but if you write it down, meals can be lacking in one of the other. I saw that in our life and vowed to change it.
I put put a small dry erase board and every day Connor and I write down what we eat. I also write down that night's dinner so that everyone else knows what is planned. I draw pictures of each food for Connor. At the end of the day, we look at it together and can feel good seeing we met our goals.
I am starting to record this today and will share a weekly update. Perhaps it will encourage you too. We take a picture of our chart before erasing and starting over the next day. I will share this; it keeps me accountable too!
My next goal is to establish a better routine for our days. I hate feeling like I am just waiting for time to pass by. I want to enjoy each day despite my situation. I have a lovable, energetic, curious toddler. I LOVE taking him to places he can explore and learn: aquariums, farms, museums are some of our regulars. But at home, I find it much harder to get creative. I recently invested in a toddlers "busy book" full of ideas. Once it arrives from Amazon, we'll start using it. I'm excited! Connor is great playing at home and I see nothing wrong with "free play" but I do want to do more with him. Other than read picture books and race cars! :)
Today, I am tackling a project in my room. Does anyone else's master bedroom end up being the storage room of the house? Everything extra has ended up in ours! My bookshelf is stacked with junk, empty boxes, old paperwork, etc. My nightstand is piled with old receipts, napkins, water bottles, and lots of unknowns underneath all of that. Nick and I don't even have a dresser, but have to keep our clothes in these plastic storage bins. It's pathetic. The only good thing I can say about our room is that we finally got a pretty comforter and sheet set for our bed. My next goal for homemaking is taking JOY in cleaning and organizing my room. Other things may have to wait a bit. I want to make our room romantic, serene, a place to truly relax. It'll be a big job but I am actually hoping to complete most of it today so that Nick is surprised when he gets home from work.
One of my last goals is really one mini goal that is part of a huge one. I have finally invested in a good bible study book that seems well suited for my current circumstances. I am going to start really focusing on my spiritual life that includes more than just church on Sundays and prayers around the dinner table. For so long, I have felt abandoned by God. But I know now that my pain and anger and sadness are only hurting me further. My ranting and raving does nothing to change God's mind or spur Him to fix my problems. I am still very confused about many things but I know one thing for sure: I want my children to know God, trust Him and love Him. And they will look to their parents for how to do that.
Here is another blog that I love: Passionate Homemaking. It has really been inspirational and I hope it will help me along in my own quest to be a loving homemaker.
I like to use this blog to record Connor's life and our little adventures, but I plan on following up on my goals here. I think it's important for my own accountability. Pray with me that God will work on my heart and attitude and help me be a joyful homemaker regardless of my circumstances. Be it in a shack or a mansion, I can make home the place we all want to be!
I have two very precious people to take care of!
2 comments:
I am with you 100%! I thought when I got married we would only live with his parents about 6 months. It turned into 3 and a 1/2 years. Then, when we got our own place, I knew going into it that we may have to move, so I didn't do much to it. We lived there for a year, then moved to a one room apartment after living with 3 bedrooms and two baths. It's very frustrating.
I don't like advice, but I can tell you this one works: pray that God would reveal Himself more to you, that He would give you better perspective. I've had my own personal revival just from God showing me how trivial a lot of my concerns are, but that He cares anyway. I think that you have the right attitude: Connor isn't going to care what color the walls are, but what color/mood the household is. Don't be so hard on yourself!
God isn't done with us yet, and He's responsible for our growth. All we gotta do is obey.
Also, in regards to finding things to do with Connor inside: I don't know if you've considered homeschooling (and this doesn't have to mean you will), but I know there are a lot of curriculums that focus on character while teaching them academics. I would assume there would be some for toddlers. It's never to early to build the foundation for character, etc, and I think they include activities that may help fill in the time, etc. I know the Duggars use a curriculum that focuses on Biblical character and they may have info on their website. Just a thought.
Thanks Bailey! We are considering homeschooling, especially if we can't afford Christian schools or there just isn't a good option near us. That toddler busy book is packed full of activities and projects that I think lead towards homeschooling a preschool aged child. At any rate, it will get my creative mind flowing and get us in the habit of planning set activities and doing them. I love the Duggars! I'll have to see what resources they have available. Thanks!
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