Due Date

I didn't share this in Facebook because I don't really need to read 75 comments of "I'm sorry". But...Sean should have been due yesterday. Yesterday was my due date. He probably would have arrived even earlier if I had a c-section again. Either way, I sit here and realize that I should have a newborn baby in my arms right now. Connor should be learning to sit on the couch and holding his little brother.

It is so unfair.

A friend of mine recently expressed surprise over the fact that I am still struggling with this. I know it's been 5 months. (Maybe to some people, Sean wasn't a "real" baby?). When he died, I thought more about what he'd have looked like as a toddler. I'd imagine him running around in the backyard with Connor.

Now, I can't stop wondering what newborn baby Sean would have looked like. If he'd have come out with a full head of red hair just like his brother, with the same little button nose and bright blue eyes.

Somehow, the realization that if things had gone well, my baby would be here right now, is putting me on a whole new level of grief. Now it's no longer that I wish I was pregnant with Sean. Now it's despair over the fact that he should have been born by now. It was his time to be here with us. It should have been his birthday yesterday.

What will we do every year on August 28th? A day that should be perfect for a birthday party for a little boy. A day for the beach, a day for the zoo, a day for playing in the pool. I feel as though I've been robbed.

I miss him. And I can't understand that since I never even felt that baby wiggling inside me. But I still miss him and grieve deeply for him every day. This doesn't get any easier and I doubt it ever will.  This grief doesn't overshadow other joys. That's one thing I've come to learn and accept. I can be thankful for my blessings, enjoy what God has given me, be joyful, have 10 more children even. But there will always be a part of me reserved for my son Sean and my right to miss him and cry for him.