Scared for You

Amazingly, I feel a little better these days now that Sean's due date has past. I still have ups and downs and I am starting a new class at my church this week that deals with grief recovery and healing. I'm really looking forward to that.

I had an interesting conversation with a friend recently. She's pregnant with her first baby and is always concerned about how that is affecting me. I am blessed to have sensitive friends like this, and a lot of friends are pregnant right now. So you'd think I'd be a basket case or overwhelmed with jealousy but I'm not.

I knew I was okay with this but I never thought about why. After we talked, it came to me and it was an upsetting realization. I am not jealous of you, I am not wistful or sad. I'm scared for you. I'm scared but I can never tell you that. Because I know things don't always work out. Babies don't always make it.

I am happy for you because you are happy. You're hopeful. These ladies that start picking out names, painting the nursery, and showing off their tiny 8 week baby bumps because they are so excited and so full of hope. I see that and I'm scared. I hope that everything will be okay, and I know statistically it probably will be. But I am still fearful. I feel sick when I imagine my friends going through the pain I've experienced.

Obviously, this fear will be a major issue for me whenever I get pregnant again. It's so hard to be hopeful and to trust God when He's allowed a nightmare into your life. You know the worst could happen because it has.

When I think about my pregnant friends and how vulnerable those babies all are, how their lives are so much in God's hands, their future happiness and hope entirely based on God's mercy...well, I am definitely not at all jealous or envious in any way. That seems too scary to me right now.

Of course we still hope and are still planning to have more babies one day. I just hope and pray when that time comes, I will be able to handle the fear.

**EDITED**

Less than 24 hours after I wrote this, one of my pregnant friends announced that at 19 weeks, their baby had no heartbeat.

Theirs was a surprise baby, just like Sean Aspen. They are a good, Christian family. The mother, my friend, suffered through a lot of pain during her pregnancy. She went through so much, only to lose her sweet baby.

It makes me so angry. I am furious, I am raging at God. This is NOT FAIR.