The One With All The Babies

If you're a big Friends fan, you know all of the episodes are named The One With_______. I often feel like days in my life are exactly like an episode of Friends.

I felt just like Phoebe Buffay the day we found out we were expecting twins. If you're never seen the episode where Phoebe is told she's pregnant with triplets, you have to see it. It's hysterical!

The day we found out we were pregnant with twins felt a lot like an episode of Friends.  This little episode is called The One With All the Babies. I wrote up this post of reflections about 6 weeks ago, right around the 14 week mark, reflecting on what has already been an interesting journey, thinking I really ought to journal a few things.

It's long, but here's a look back at what we've been through:

We found out we were pregnant on a weekend. I saw the doctor just a few days later. My OB had told me to call him the second I got a positive pregnancy test. I honestly debated about this for a couple of days. After losing Sean, a huge part of me just wanted to be quietly pregnant and see how things went. Maybe I'd go get checked out around the 10-12 week mark if I managed to not have any bleeding.

Then I remembered my friend who had a blighted ovum. She thought and assumed she was pregnant for 10 weeks before getting an ultrasound, which showed an empty sac. No baby. :( I didn't think I could handle that scenario, so I called.

Wow, this was the weirdest OB checkup I have ever had! Normally, you pee in a cup, get weighed, have your blood pressure taken. The nurses do a pregnancy test to make sure you really are pregnant. Not me. They hustled me right in for an ultrasound!

That honestly made me feel bad. The OB wanted to check for viability before anything else. I was really anxious about having a trans vaginal ultrasound. When I had one during my pregnancy with Sean, I started to bleed right after. :(

So, there I was on the table, trying to keep Connor from going under the sheet covering me from the waist down, trying to control my shaking, trying not to vomit. The ultrasound tech always checks everything else before looking at the baby. I have this routine down pat. She checks my ovaries, my uterus and then looks for a baby. So I had to lay there trying to relax for a good 5 minutes in silence. I prayed one of those prayers that is just a string of pleading "PleaseGoddon'tletithurt, please!".

Thankfully, the procedure was painless, which was a relief. I had a great deal of pain during Sean's ultrasound. But I was still very nervous, waiting. The tech has that non-committal look on her face which she is a master at. She just stares intently at the screen. Finally, she says "Okay, let's look at the baby". A few more seconds of stoic staring. Then she smiles and claps her hand over her mouth and says "Oh my God!".

She flips the screen around to me, laughs and says "Um, I see two."

I pop up and look. If I was feeling nauseous before, I was definitely close to throwing up now. It was a sad, brief moment because it was similar to hearing that Sean had died. Don't hate me for confessing this; it's just the truth of the extreme shock of hearing such unexpected, unbelievable news. Like someone threw a bucket of cold water over your head.

I can't even remember what I said. There was no doubt there was two babies, even to my untrained eye. Some twins are in the same sac and it's not quite as obvious there are two babies in there, especially as early as 6 weeks. I had two separate, very distinct sacs with two flickering things inside.

The tech patted me and said "We'll get you through this".

I flopped back onto the table and felt weak and helpless. I was in shock. Big time. All I could think was "there is no one, no ONE, on earth less qualified to have twins than me".

Afterwards, there was a flurry of excitement from all the nurses and my doctor, who came running in 2 minutes after the tech delivered the news. He was grinning from ear to ear. I was still putting on my shoes--the doc is lucky I had my pants on before he ran in! I wasn't sure what to say. I told him twins do not run in the family, how did this happen??!!

His response? There's a first time for everything.

I was asked to come back in 2 weeks to check again and warned about "Vanishing Twin Syndrome". Connor and I left the office, me clutching the unbelievable ultrasound photos.

I had told Nick I'd call him after my appointment. After you lose a baby, the next time around is scary. We both were anxious to hear things were okay, but I was scared to death of delivering this news over the phone. I envisioned myself holding the cell phone, waiting for a response and only hearing a loud THUMP as Nick hit the floor in a dead faint.

But, a response to what? What exactly could I say? I was speechless. I finally decided to drive to Nick's office and tell him in person. I prayed we'd get there before he called, worried.

Luckily we got on base before he thought to call. But then I had to call him and tell him we were there. I tried, really tried, to sound normal and okay but when I asked if we could come up to see him, he said yes in a very strange tone. And before I could get Connor unbuckled from his car seat, I saw Nick hurrying out of the building towards us. He looked worried. I felt so bad. :(

I ended up just handing him the ultrasound photo and saying "I thought you should hear this in person". He looked at the picture, where the tech had typed in TWINS! It was funny...he looked at it from a normal distance, then yanked it towards his face to look again from an inch away. He said "Really?".

Um..yes?

It wasn't our best conversation. I had no idea really what to say and Nick never says a whole lot period. He picked up Connor and we walked inside to his office. I asked him if he was okay. He said yes. We went inside and he got us some cake leftover from a birthday party. He still seemed awfully calm. I finally had to ask "Are you happy? Scared? Nervous? Excited?". Nick says "all of the above". But he smiled and sure seemed happy.

I really expected a freak out. People will always surprise you!

I knew Nick was really excited when, as we started to leave, I asked for the ultrasound photo back. Nick said no, he wanted to hold onto it. This coming from a man who has seen at least 2 dozen ultrasound photos of his two other kids, and every single time claimed it looked like nothing he could recognize and always seemed totally unimpressed. I was totally taken aback that he wanted to keep this one in his pocket.

Then he asked if I cared who knew. I told him I didn't care if anyone at work knew; they weren't going to blab anything on Facebook. Nick brightened at that, then trotted away. I looked at his back with my mouth hanging open. I couldn't believe it, but that man was off to brag and share the news!

That was a blessing. I left feeling much better; at least my husband was mostly happy.

I took Connor to the park, then called my mom. I was so close to freak-out mode myself that I knew I had to tell her right away. Of course she was excited. I let her tell my dad and brothers.

Through all of this, little Connor was quietly listening. I felt terrible later as I realized he was so much more aware than I had assumed and I was in such a state of shock, I hadn't bothered to take him aside to explain a thing. Of course, had he been upset or expressed confusion, I would have. But he continued to play and be his normal, happy self. It wasn't until I got off the phone with my mom later that Connor said "Mommy, you have babies in your belly! TWO babies!". I was sort of floored, why I don't know. He's a smart kid. So, in case you were wondering, yes Connor has been aware of the twins from day one. :)

Nick told his family as well, then we had two more weeks to get through before another ultrasound confirmed it really was twins. That was a tough two weeks. I had a nightmare that I went back and the next ultrasound showed triplets. I didn't know whether to start getting prepared and excited for wins yet. Would one make it and not the other? It seemed unfair to have gone through so much, only to have this next pregnancy be even more complicated and full of unique concerns. I really struggled with whining to God "Why can't anything just be normal?!".

Obviously, our 8 week ultrasound showed twins. Bigger, beanie-baby twins with strong heartbeats. At that point, I started to feel a little better.

Over the next several weeks, reality started to slowly sink in. Even now, halfway through this pregnancy, it's still surreal at times.