Yesterday Nick went out to fix a friend's computer, so my mom and I tackled my crazy house. It's been a mess and so cluttered since I went away. I couldn't stand it anymore; thank God I have a mother who loves to help clean and organize!! For 4 hours we worked non-stop and managed to get the nursery/office cleaned out, Connor's room all set up and the living room all set up for Connor to be able to play safely. It was rather last minute and although Nick had moved his desk out of the nursery last weekend, nothing else was done and so Connor had been sleeping in our room as usual.
It wasn't until everything was all set and Connor had his bath and was in his sweet Winnie the Pooh pajamas that it hit me: he'd be away from me for the first time in 8 months. Even in the hospital, he never left my side to sleep in the nursery. I'd been looking forward to Connor having his own room, a place for all his toys and a big floor area to play on. I knew we'd all probably sleep better with him in his own room, quiet and dark and uninterrupted by the rest of the family. But as I nursed him right before bedtime, I felt that first sharp pain of separation, of letting go. It sounds so silly, but it's the truth. I had never felt that type of pain before. My baby doesn't go to daycare, nor is he babysat by anyone other than my mom and even then we have never been away from him for more than 3 hours. All I could think was that this was only the beginning, From here on out, there will be more separations, harder good-byes.
We cuddled much longer than usual, sang songs and prolonged normal bedtime for a half an hour. When Connor finally did go to bed in his crib, he did great. He was tired, he had his stuffed piglet to snuggle, he rolled over and went right to sleep.
I, on the other hand, sobbed in the kitchen while Nick just stared at me like I was crazy. I can't blame him...he's slept through every night feeding since Connor was a newborn. He of course had no idea what that bond of nursing even feels like. He gave me a hug and tried to state the obvious "he's right in there". Later though, he too felt the absence of that sweet bundle in our room. We both had a hard time falling asleep. Amazingly, Connor slept until 2am. I nursed him and he went right back to sleep until morning. Nick actually never heard him wake up, so at 6am he went in to check on Connor and ended up waking him up. Oh well. Connor had already slept almost 11 hours, so Nick brought him into bed to nurse. What was really funny was that Connor was still tired and just didn't seem to get really comfortable in bed with us, so we put him back in his crib and he slept for another half hour. :) I guess his crib is very comfortable! :)
Today, life just feels different. I probably sound like the biggest dork, but that is just how I feel right now. I never, ever thought I was doing any "attachment parenting", but I realize now that having your baby just next to your bed is pretty much the same as having him IN the bed. Spending every day caring for your baby for months on end and not handing him off to be babysat very much...well, I may as well have carried him in a sling right next to me all day. That bond is there and super strong.
We love seeing this smiling face in the morning!
I have a little more redecorating to do in the living room before I can share house pictures. But we now have things arranged so that the pack-and-play can be used as a playpen for Connor during the day when I need a safe place to contain him once in awhile. :) I was concerned he'd balk at being placed in the playpen; after all it was his bed for the last 5 months. But he did great this morning. He played on his mat and visited with the bunny. It was cool enough for me to open the door for a little while and let in some fresh air.
At the moment, Connor is taking his morning nap and so far, so good. I'm hoping to get some of his 8-month pictures done today. I'm almost a week late, but they must be done! :)
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